This Blog Has Moved To http://davidjhahn.blogspot.com

New Sketch Blog Site

2008-12-17T20:20:00.001-08:00

Please visit my new blog at http://davidjhahn.blogspot.com/ and adjust any links accordingly. Thank you.

OBAMA PLANS TO TURN USA INTO MUSLIM STATE!

2008-03-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

Or the right wing chicken littles and mindless minions of theirs would have you believe from this picture.
OBAMA

Ya know, I don't remember being taught in school that we are supposed to put our hands over our hearts during the playing of the national anthem. And if Obama, or anyone, doesn't do it during the playing of the anthem, I think it shows more conviction of character than it does any lack of patriotism. The hand over the heart is for the pledge of allegiance. When the national anthem is played, it is usually seen as disrespectful not to stand, I don't remember anything about having to put hands over hearts. I don't do it.

Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four #33 in Stores

2008-03-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

Writer Paul Tobin is bustin' out all over the place lately, this time with me (yay!) in Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four #33. Inked by Kris Justice, colored by Gullem Mari, and drawn by me. Special appearance by Firestar.

God Kills Brothers For Fun

2008-03-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

This one's for you, Steve Lieber.

Last week, I learned that a schoolmate of mine from high school just died from leukemia. He wasn't a friend of mine or anything, and the only memories I have of him are those of the typical antagonistic behaviors that jocks have towards, well, people like me. Though I was not a huge fan of this person, whom I'll refer to as 'Robert', he most certainly did not deserve death from cancer at age 41. I have learned just this evening that his younger brother has also just died (from what, I don't know yet). I can't imagine how horrible the family must feel right now. I tried to google both men to find out more about them and came across an online church newsletter. The newsletter was a year old, but in it was a list of 'prayer requests' and someone requested prayers for Robert to help him beat his cancer. Needless to say, it didn't work. Thanks a lot, God. One could say God wanted Robert near him, so He took him early. But now, with the loss of the second son just ten days later, it just makes you realize that God isn't a supreme being, but a supreme asshole.

Blah, blah, blog

2007-10-18T23:51:00.001-07:00

Here's one of those silly e-mail questionaires that I bothered to answer. Oh well...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? , Yes, I was named after Cotton Mather

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?? Last December, during my nervous breakdown.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It always looks good at the top of the page, but awful at the bottom, so, I'm 'eh' about it.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH?? Grilled Chicken with a wasabi/perilla
mint/Asian radish puree topping.? Trust me, it tastes pretty darned good

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?? What's with all the double question marks? Yes, one child.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?? Yes. And I would totally do me too.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?? Not a lot, no. And not as a substitute for wit.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?? No.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?? Never.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?? Quaker LIFE.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?? ALWAYS!!! If you don't, you are a bum!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?? This is a question a nine year old must've come up with. Stupid.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?? Bithday cake ice cream. What an insightful question (oooh, sarcasm). Again, nine year old.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE??? Whether the person is male or female, then what they look like (is this someone who can harm me?), then whether they are an attractive person or an ugly one. All pretty basic survival instinct stuff.

15. RED OR PINK?? Oh my god, this is getting lame.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?? My fat.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST??? Dan Stapleton and Dr. Steve Mickelsen

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?? To quote my friend Dan Stapleton: "Sure. It's always good to hear from friends, even if it under contrived circumstances such as a chain
letter."

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?? Plaid pajama pants, black socks. And i'm on the bus right now.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Half a grilled cheese and shrimp sandwich.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?? Polyphonic Spree

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? The gold one that always fools kids into thinking that it will look cool if you color with it. It doesn't.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Jet exhast, coffee beans, paper of old comics and books, movie theater lobbies.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?? My wife, letting me know she was on her way home.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU??? Yes.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?? Not a big fan of sports (see question #16), but if I had to pick, pro beach volleyball and ice hockey

27. HAIR COLOR?? Dark brown. How is this insightful to my friends?

28. EYE COLOR? ?Dark brown. Retarded.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS??? No. Who cares?

30. FAVORITE FOOD??? Genreal Tso's chicken, coconut shrimp, pork katsu-curry, chicken tonkatsu, prime rib.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?? Love scary movies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Smoking Aces, preceded by The Kingdom with Jamie Foxx

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING??? White.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Gay.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?? Still gay.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?? Baked Alaska, cake, crem brule

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My wife.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?? Patrick Phelan.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Mighty Avengers, issue #5

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD??? Mouse pad? Is it 1999 already? Touch pad and touch screen for me.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT? Smoking Aces on DVD. And Ghost Hunters on satellite.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? My daughter's laugh.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?? I don't know the actual distance in miles, but I live in Oregon and went to Matsue, Shimane, Japan

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?? I can draw people standing around or beating the shit out of each other and make a very comfortable living doing it.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Los Angeles, CA

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?? My ass.

David Hahn
www.HahnDynasty.com
myspace.com/david_hahn

Resident Evil: Extinction

2007-09-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Actually, not too bad. Studio mates Paul Guinan and Jesse Hamm accompanied me to see this movie opening day Friday. We went in with low expectations for logic and reasonable expectations for action, and the movie delivered. Zombies looked good (but who's job was it at Umbrella Corp to dress the experimental super-zombies in matching jump suits?), slick, neat Vegas imagery. Characters in the movie who were taken right from the video game Resident Evil:Code Veronica X are Claire Redfield, Tyrant Zombie (genetic monster, actually) and Wesker. Too much needless digital erasing on Milla Jojovich's face in close ups. And, wow, bold move having the actor of Mid-Eastern heritage be the character who is the suicide bomber who runs a blockade in a truck packed with TNT. This movie was Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome with zombies.

So Much For Mary Jane

2007-09-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, it has been far too long since my last update and I will try to stay on top of this blog thing. Let's see...I am no longer the artist on Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, but have been moved up the food chain a bit, and now I will do at least two 4 issue arcs of Marvel Adventures Fantastic Four! Best yet, the first arc will be written by my friend Paul Tobin. Below is some Firestar pitch art for something Paul and I are tring to get off the ground. Also, below is a page from an 8 page story I am drawing and coloring for Spider-Man Family (written by Tom Beland). Check it out, Stegron!

First issue of my run on SMLMJ out now

2007-03-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #16 is in stores now, written by Sean McKeever, colored by Christina Strain, edited by Mark Paniccia and Nate Cosby. However, the pic below of Liz Allen is from #17. So there.

It's March Already?

2007-03-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

That means my first issue of Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane comes out soon, 3/21. I'll try to post more often, promise. Here's a sketch of a paratrooper and a color Spidey panel (colored by Christina Strain) in the meantime.

Spider-man and Me

2006-11-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

A lot of crazy things, good and bad, have happened to me since I last posted months ago. One of the better ones was being tapped to be the monthly artist for Marvel Comic's Spider-man Loves Mary Jane. This is a great book written by Sean McKeever, with Christina Strain providing spectacular colors. Takashi Miyazawa, is the guy whose huge shoes I am to fill. My first issue comes out in March 07. Here are some panels from the first issue I've completed.

Harry and Mary Jane

Girl Rocks Out on Burning Train

2006-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

My Love/Hate relationship with humanity continues. First off, for people who don't know me, I use the un-P.C. term 'retarded' like other people use the word 'hello'.

Loves:
There was a cute retarded girl on the train today, about 12 years old. I shouldn't say she was completely retarded, but there was definitely something different about her and she had one of those 'dumb' looking faces. She was pretty, but slack-jawed and with that glazed look in her eyes. Anyway, she had on headphones and was doing that spastic continuous rocking thing, with an occassional arm flap (like excited 14 month olds do). I didn't get the tripping-on-something vibe, just an I-need-vestibular-stimulation vibe. Every so often, she would shout, loudly, "HA!" and turn and suddenly hug her travelling companion, who I presumed to be an older sister. Rock on, little quasi-retarded girl, rock on!

Hates:
I don't care if you are escaping from a burning bus or fleeing a collapsing World Trade Tower, don't tell reporters you "barely escaped with your life," if you are still holding your briefcase or shopping bags. I know that in times of panic a person may hold on to their purse or whatever and not even realize they are still holding it. However, to the guy I once saw on the news who escaped a burning jetliner in Devner, who told reporters "I barely had time to grab my briefcase," a gigantic FUCK YOU. I'm sure the guy standing behind you, waiting to exit as the cabin fills with toxic smoke, didn't mind one bit that you took a few extra seconds to grab your potentially exit-blocking briefcase. Maybe I am being too hard. I mean, in a situation like that, what's a few extra seconds?

Insane Madison Avenue Morons

2006-08-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Quizno's, your BBQ brisket sandwich commercial is stupid. The old let's-take-a-cultural-stereotype-of-a-simpleton-and-have-him-speak-in-big-fancy-words-like-he-is-smart is lame and old hat. Ranks right up there with the old fake congressional hearing on Honey Bunches of Oats.

And while we're at it, can we stop using the word 'insane' as a universal descriptor for...anything and everything? I recently saw a documentary about deep sea exploration that was narrated, appropriately, by James Cameron. Everything was fine until Cameron expounds upon the mysteries off the deep as containing "some of the most insane sea life you will ever see." Mentally unstable Angler fish. Cool.

Sketchbook page.

Back to the Drawing Board

2006-08-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today's post will be a Bite Club page from the upcoming issue #5 of Bite Club: Vampire Crime Unit. Nothing special, just an example of my process.

First, I do a thumbnail breakdown of the page on the script pages as I read the script. From there, I do a more tightly rendered version of the page (above), about 2" x 3". I do these breakdowns in batches of about 5-6 at a time and submit them to my editor, Shelly Bond. After her approval or suggestions, I go to the full size pencil art.

Here is the pencil art on 11" x 17" paper. I stuck pretty close to the original layout. This page is a bit rougher than I normally do (even when inking myself) because of time constraints. Actually, I really don't need to go tighter than this, but I tend to anyway when I have the time.

I scan the pencil page and print it out as cyan on smooth DC comic stock paper. I don't like to ink on original pencils because I hate to erase pages. I also use various types of pens when I ink, and some don't stay fast when an eraser is put down. The page will be scanned and cleaned up in Adobe Photoshop. Here I will also drop in any patterns or lettering, like the grid on the ceiling and the '8' on the eightball. Above is the final page that will be loaded as a bitmapped image onto DC's FTP site.

And done.

Less Airports, More Drawing!

2006-08-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Every time I watch an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation that features Q, I feel as though I just watched an episode of Bewitched.

Here is my third 1:400 scratch built terminal since I entered this hobby a few months ago. This time it's a Lufthansa terminal, though you can see some other company airliners sneaking into the pictures. Enjoy!

Pros at Cons

2006-07-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Comic-con International San Diego, whew. Man, what is it about these big comic shows that makes people think it is open season to let out their inner freak? In particular, I'm talking about people walking around practically nude, in drag, on a leash, or all of the above, and calling it a "costume." Yeah, especially on Sunday, which is officially Kid's Day at the show. Nice. This is Comic-con, not Burning Man, shitheads.

On Friday, I, and many others, were rudely pushed aside in the isles by stormtroopers at one point. And I'm not talking about guys in Star Wars costumes. Some dude had a megaphone shouting "Clear the isles for Stan Lee! Make way for the great Stan Lee!" I looked behind me and all I saw was some asshole with a megaphone, so I figure he was doing it to be funny and clear a path for himself. I realized I was wrong when an Elite Security person shoved me aside (mind you, my shoulder is broken and my arm is in a sling). Sure enough, Stan Lee is being hustled along in a cloud of security people as if he were some head of state. Whether this little scene was done because it seemed cute, or if it was completely serious, it was way rude. Fascists.

Hey Japan, stop designing weird cartoon characters that are shaped like big blocks or pieces of toast, because when those designs are translated into costumes to be worn at conventions, THEY BLOCK THE FUCKING ISLES, THE WHOLE FUCKING ISLE. Christ, Japan.

The Alex Toth Doodle Book was the gem of the show, in my opinion (Octopus Press, $19.95). Well done, guys.

Shout out to Chris and Melissa who came by my table.

Snakes on a Plane: Something for people who want to feel like they are in on some cool private joke.

Fellow Pros: If you made your name on an art style that is very simple and cartoony, then don't tell a fan you don't have time to give them a quick sketch after they've just given you $20 for one of your sketchbooks.

The Alex Toth Doodle Book was the gem of the show, in my opinion (Octopus Press, $19.95). Well done, guys.

A pencilled page I did from Masked Marvel:

Sharpies: The Power Behind the Throne

2006-07-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, I haven't built any model airports lately as I am working on the last issue of Bite Club Vampire Crime Unit and preparing for the Comic-con International in San Diego. I will have a booth set up in Artist's Alley where I will be doing commissioned sketches, selling my books, and just hanging out. I'll have a sweet new 32 page sketchbook available packed full of sketches and designs. Yes, actual sketches and designs, not just finished inked pieces like so many pros do these days ( c'mon guys, more raw doodles and sketches, less pin-ups and copies of private convention commissions you've done in the past. You no longer need to use these things as portfolio pieces to get work. We all know how good you are, that's why we are buying your "sketch" books at $20 a pop, so let's see some actual sketches). Mine will be $15 each and I'll do a sketch in it for you. So there. If you see me with my arm in a sling, no worries, I'm still doing commissions and stuff. I still have my six broken ribs and shattered clavicle, so please, don't run up and slap me on the back or suddenly hug me (and I know you want to).

And I defy anyone to go into a store and try to buy a single, simple red felt tip pen or even a 2-pack, that ISN'T a Sharpie (and when I say "store", I mean store less than 10 years old, not some dusty mom and pop stationary shop that still has the Big Chief notebooks with the hippy on it). I love Sharpies, but Jesus Christ, when did this shadow government Illuminati clandestine Sharpie monopoly happen? That's all you can find anymore. Oh, I did find red Flair pens at Office Depot, but you gotta buy a box of 20 of 'em. Fuck. Now they got these half size Sharpies that come on keychains in assorted colors. Wow. A marker as a fashion accessory. Sharpie's trying to be the Mac of the marker world (except for the monopoly part). I just want a single red felt tip pen that's not a Sharpie.

Would someone please get Lance Armstrong out of my face for five minutes, for fuck's sake? I mean good for him, biker guy testicular cancer survivor, but he's worse than Coldplay all over my shit. And hey, let's all just admit that Coldplay is nothing but music for people too damn lazy to listen to Radiohead. Simple as that.

I saw part of American Graffiti again the other night and I realized that it takes place in 1962 (I always thought it took place in the mid 50's). The movie came out in 1973 and, at the time, it was well received because it harkened back to the youth culture of a more innocent age (pre-Viet Nam war), but it was only going back 11 years. That would be like a movie being released now that takes place in 1995. It seems like it would be silly to evoke memories we have of Friends being the number one TV show and getting all nostalgic over Hootie and the Blowfish. Weird. I'm getting old.

Percojet

2006-07-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

These meds I'm on make me want to be really extra creative. Better than pain, for sure. That translates to drawing when I can and building airports with one arm the rest of the time I'm awake. Here is my version of a Braniff terminal circa 1976. I like to say that the designer of this terminal wanted to do something space-age (for 1976) and this is what he came up with. It's a small terminal with only four gates and assorted mobile stairs. The gates I designed as being fixed in place to handle standard mid-sized aircraft, hence no swinging jetway arms. If anything big rolls in, like a 747, the mobile stairs can be brought out. I only had a day to build this terminal, but I am happy with it. I'll post some drawings soon. Promise.

Airpain

2006-06-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am an airgeek. I am in horrendous pain due to a mountain biking accident. Look what I made between drawing and napping.
It's a scratch built 1:400 scale model airport terminal, circa 1970. I am cranky.

Away From My Desk

2006-06-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

I won't be posting pictures for at least a week, as I am on a Colorado getaway. I am enjoying mountain biking, white water rafting, horseback riding, and hunting live human prey. This outdoorsy stuff isn't really my style, but it is fun. Little Cleo is having fun too. She seems to love hunting human prey.

Nude Man Falling

2006-06-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

Alright, the Masked Marvel comic is done and in. Now I can concentrate my efforts to the final issue of Bite Club Vampire Crime Unit. I'll also be preparing a sketchbook to sell at the San Diego show with more pencils, less inks.

I watched the uncensored version of The Man Who Fell to Earth. Wow. Having only seen the censored version (not knowing it was censored) all my life, I was quite surprised at the soft -core porn playing on my dvd player. Naked David Bowie in his film debut. And has Candy Clark EVER been in a movie where she didn't get naked?

I also watched Fahrenheit 451 for the first time in 20+ plus years. I didn't like it the first time because I was expecting hard science fiction. Now, I can appreciate it a bit more and accept it as a quaint fairy tale, like Edward Scissorhands.

Below is a commission I did for Private Beach fans Monti and Laura (that's them sitting in the middle).

Oh, That's Rich

2006-06-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

I'm in the final days of finishing up the Masked Marvel story (written by Karl Kesel) which will appear in upcoming issues of Young Avengers and X-Men Unlimited. Special thanks to Rich Ellis, my devoted assistant, for his help. And now, here's a drawing that has nothing to do with what I just wrote about.

More Amazing Morons

2006-06-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just saw an ad for Miracle-Gro potting soil where not once, but twice, the pitch woman describes the soil as 'amazing'. The product is called MIRACLE-Gro. You mean to tell me the shit head who wrote the copy for the ad never once thought that maybe *miraculous* would be a better adjective to use here instead of 'amazing'? God, I hate people.

666 Number of the Ignorant

2006-06-06T23:10:00.001-07:00

All you people who are affraid that today is some sort of Devil's day because the number of the Beast is 666, and today's date is 06/06/06, remember: Today's date is 06/06/2006. Okay? Understand? Today's date is NOT 666.

Train Wrecked

2006-06-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Crazy deadlines, crazy deadlines

This week, we got a curse going out to:

- The awful, awful woman who stepped in front of me to get on the train, I mean stepped right in front of me to get through the door first. She totally knew what she was doing, so when we got on the fairly crowded car, I followed her to her seat. I plopped right down next to her in the little two seat space. It was sweet, because she was getting ready to stretch her legs out on the extra seat when I said, "I'm sitting here". She was pissed.

"Oh, you gotta sit here?! " She pointed to empty seats around the train "Dere's a empty seat dere, dere, and dere, and you gotta sit nexta me...." she said.
"Well, you shouldn't have been so rude and cut in front of me when we got on."
She rolled her eyes and stared out the window. I sat next to her for about five more minutes to make my point before moving to another part of the train.

I AM the avenging angel of those wronged by rude patrons of public transportation!

Her curse is that every time she wants to hog two seats to herself on a crowded train, the biggest, most urine-soaked, crusty-bearded, schizo motherfucker in Portland sits next to her and talks to her about the virtures of bee keeping.

Below is a proposal cover for a horror story I wrote. Might do some minor changes, though.

Just Hit Send

2006-05-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

Hey, last week saw the release of Bite Club Vampire Crime Unit #2, so go grab it.

This week, we got curses going out to:

-The white trash crone who took the creamer away from me when it was my turn to use it. For her, she gets her cigarettes stolen by her pregnant daughter.

-"Jeff" the tattooed asshole at the McDonalds near my house. He never asks to take your order or gives you a "welcome to McDonalds,", he just looks at you and raises his eyebrows as he waits for you to speak first. And when I say tattoos, I don't mean hipster-DJ type guy, I mean work release program type guy. He's one of those jerks who grunts instead of speaking and won't look you in the eye. For him, let's have his probation officer get a real hair up his ass and bust Jeff on some minor violation and get him back in jail for a couple weeks. Yeah....

And a special get well quick (which he is doing) to my studiomate and friend Matthew Clark

Remember Me?

2006-05-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Good God, nearly three months is too long to go with out posting. In these past three months I've bought a new house, moved into it, and been working on various comic projects. Bringing things up to speed:

Here's the house, with my daughter, Cleo, out in front.

Here's Cleo on her first Easter.

And this is a page from Bite Club VCU #4

I am underway with the Bite Club VCU # 5, the final issue of the mini-series. I'm also doing art for a 2-part, 16 page back up story for Marvel. It's called the Masked Marvel and is written by my studiomate, Karl Kesel. After that and Bite Club, I will be writing and drawing a 144 page graphic novel for DC. More details on that project down the line.

Hey, sketch stuff.

Amazing: the word of choice for people with no imagination 2006

2006-02-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

Here is a re-post of my favorite crusade.

Okay, here's the deal: I don't hate the word *amazing*, I hate its overuse. Amazing (and amazed) is an insidious word that has worked its way into the American psyche. It isn't insidious for what it means, but for the monopoly it holds over words like terrific, spectacular, glorious, et cetera.

Now, you might not have noticed it, but the next time you watch TV or listen to a conversation, note how many times you hear *amazing* or *amazed*. It will be the word used more often than not to describe anything fantastic, incredible, or delicious. I don't object to the use of the word, even if it's wasted ("These paperclips are amazing."), but I grit my teeth in frustration when most EVERYONE uses *amazing* to the exclusion of most ALL OTHER SYNONYMOUS WORDS. It's especially annoying to see it popping up in a lot of TV ads. I know writing ad copy isn't exactly a brain trust of a job, but you'd think someone out there would have a thesaurus. And that's what makes it insidious. People just use it without thinking and they use it all the time.

Don't believe me? Try the David Hahn Astonishing *Amazing* Challenge: the next time you are with a buddy and watching TV (reality TV works best) or at an average party, tell your friend that for the next 30 minutes, you will give him (or her) a quarter for every time someone uses ANY word that is roughly synonymous with *amazing*, like astounding, miraculous...shit, even *great*. In exchange, your pal must give you a quarter for everytime someone uses amazing or amazed. It is a bet that will be hard for your chump to pass up, after all, the odds are in his favor: he gets paid for spotting words out of a category of dozens, while you only get to spot only one. I liken it to taking a road trip out west, where your friend pays you for every Rhode Island license plate you see, and you pay him for all other states in the union. But trust me, you will be the richer. Trust me. You will be quite surprised.

*Amazing* is the word of choice for people too limited to be bothered to think of what they are saying. At the very least, if you are going to have a stock word that you keep on the top of your head to use to describe all things wondrous, then at least come up with your own word that everyone isn't using. My friend Drew uses *stupefying* to describe a lot of stuff, and I'm glad for it.

So, if you go away from this post thinking that I'm some nut, picking one word out and berating its use, I'm not. I'm berating a word that is being thrown at me (and thrown at everyone else) from all different directions, all the time. Snap out of it. Please.

And now, Christopher Robbin and Pooh

Ranty Boy

2006-01-28T11:16:00.000-08:00

Hey ladies, if I have to look twice to see whether or not that teensy sparkling thing on your nose is a tiny little jeweled nose stud, or a piece of stray glitter, then it ain't working.

And all you women mortgage brokers and bank tellers; if it's now normal and acceptable to have those Spice Girl buttery chunk light streaks in your hair, then it's no wonder I see people with facial tattoos and giant stone piercings in their ears. Those primitives are just trying to stay ahead of the pack. When the bank tellers start sporting the facial tattoos, the primitives should gouge one of their own eyes out.

I saw a shirt today that said "Cancer Sucks". Ooooh, that's telling it. Fuck Sagittarius, too. Now REALLY go out on a limb and wear a shirt with a swastika with a slash through it.

And let's lose abbreviations as movie titles (T2, ID4, H2O, Mi:2, MIB, X-2) They sound like experimental aircraft, not movies.

Okay, back to your stations.

Teen Girls and Their Nana's.

2006-01-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

Can I please, just once, be able to browse the graphic novel section at Borders without constantly having to step over oblivious teens camped out on the floor in the manga section reading the latest volume of Nana? Am I asking too much here?

Would someone please explain the difference to me between dressing ghetto fabulous and dressing up as a clown?

An Andrew WK looking bum was brushing his teeth on the bus today. Most people were annoyed, but I thought it was cool to see a bus bum take a pro-active approach to hygiene for everyone to see. You go, bum man!

Speaking of Nana, here's some pitch art for a teen graphic novel I'm cooking up.

Moving Up The Ladder

2006-01-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

On Christmas day, my wife and child and I were taking a stroll around the neighborhood and came across a really nice house for sale. We weren't in the market to by a new house, but after seeing this one, we decided to put a bid on it. Well, someone else already had a bid in on this house, but we got 'the bug.' So no now, after some very picky shopping around, we found another house we love a lot. Even though we weren't planning on buying a new house for a year or two, we will be moving in February. Huzzah! More on this later.

Here is the daily sketch (hah, daily....monthly) and a photo of me from 'back in the day'. Yikes. What the hell did I have to be mad at? Life was good back then.

Vanilla Kong

2005-12-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

I finally got to see King Kong and thought it was great. If Carl Denham had any sense, he would've realized he could've made a shitload more money had he brought back one of those dinosaurs instead of Kong. Oh well, his loss. For Christmas, I received the new dvd of the original King Kong and the extras are wonderful. The best part is the re-creation, by Peter Jackson's WETA Workshop, of the lost Spider Sequence.

I also saw the Spanish film "Open Your Eyes" last night for the first time. This is the movie that was re-made into "Vanilla Sky" in 2001. Essentially, Vanilla Sky is a scene-for-scene replay of this film. The only slight difference is that the main character's facial deformity is much more extreme, and effective, in Open Your Eyes. I really enjoyed VS when it was released, though it received mediocre reviews. However, now seeing OYE, I can look back on Vanilla Sky and see that director Cameron Crowe had abosolutley NO VISION OF HIS OWN to add to the story. It seemed he spent more time hand picking the (overdone) soundtrack than shaping Vanilla Sky into something other than a copy of the original.

Here is the cover of an Escapist pitch I sent to Dark Horse.

Kong Has To Wait

2005-12-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am going to try and get a hold on this whole blog thing again, particularly the daily posts of sketches. I am pencilling the first half of Bite Club VCU #3 right now, as well as putting together pitches for projects to follow Bite Club.

I still haven't seen King Kong yet. If the me from two years ago knew I was so lacking in seeing cool movies on a timely basis, he would be disgusted.

Some things we don't need;

1. Ten year old kids ordering espresso and lattes in coffee shops. Since when do kids like coffee?

2. No more ripping off of Danny Elfman's Edward Scissorhands style of music for TV commercials.

3. Any expressions that have become expressions for their own sake. The best example is the expression "gone to the dogs". No one uses this term. The only time you ever hear it is on local news reports when anchors try to be 'funny' when reporting on dog related human interest stories.

4. The whole 'Q' must be followed by a 'U' in the English language. Can we just please agree the 'Q' can stand by itself? Fuck 'U'.

5. Always having to read the label on the oven knobs to know which burner they control.

6. That fucking creepy new Burger King mascot. He has all the charm of a pederast. And has anyone noticed that the Burger King logo isn't even a hamburger anymore? What was once the bun in the logo is now just an orange ball behind the 'Burger King'.

Lost in Paradise

2005-12-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Many apologies for not keeping up with my blog. We all know how it goes. I just returned from a week in Hawaii (Maui) where my wife, daughter, and I attended the ten year anniversary/vow renewal ceremony of our friends Brian and Alisa Bendis. It was held at a beautiful resort and I got to hang out and catch up with fellow comic book folks Mike Oeming, David Mack, Alex Maleev, and Marc Andreyko. I also met Joe Quesada, whom I'd never met before, as well as made new friends with numerous good people in the Bendis friends/family tree (Hi John and Collette!) I'll post pictures soon.

Overheard on the bus today:

Person 1: "Someone's coffee smell's good. It's amazing how much coffee is bought and sold in this city. How many cups a day do you think?"

Person 2: (in all seriousness) "A billion. Maybe a tiny bit less."

My Pen Hurts

2005-11-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry, kids, deadlines again.

Here, Mr. Melrose.

2005-11-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

Here are some pages from issue # 1 of Bite Club: Vampire Crimes Unit, due out from Vertigo late this winter. These are pages I colored myself as samples, but the art in the books will be colored again by the talented Brian Miller at Hi Fi. Also, I know that she wouldn't be firing that .357 with one hand like that, but hey...

Next...

2005-10-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished up penciling all 22 pages of Bite Club: Vampire Crimes Unit #2 (of 6) the other day and now comes the task of inking it. This is my favorite part because it requires less problem solving and gives instant gratification of seeing the final black and white art as I ink.

Last Sunday I attended the Seattle Comic and Card Show, hosted by the ever-nice guy, Steve Miner. It was a small show, but that translates into less stress, more fun. I met all sorts of nice folks (hi Jim and Heidi!) and moved some copies of my Fables books, The Batman Training Manual, Private Beach, and sold some original Lucifer pages. And had great ravioli and pizza for dinner.

"Honey, I am soooo out of my league."

2005-10-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today, I still hate commercials where it's a given that oafy, do-nothing, balding husbands have hot wives. Especially the heartburn commercials.

The Problem With Severed Heads

2005-10-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

Why can't Hollywood special effects people make convincing severed heads? I'm not talking using effects to make an actor's head look as though it has been severed, I'm talking the severed head props. I've been watching the HBO tv series Rome and am surprised that in 2005, prop heads still don't look convincing. Now, having never handled a human severed head, I can't be 100% sure about this, but from what I've seen in documentary footage and war photos, I know why they tend to look so fake: Effects gurus spend all their time trying to make the skin look real that they ignore certain physical laws. It's the neck. In movies, when a severed head is placed on a table or flops to the ground, whatever, the neck remains stiff. A real human head placed on a plate is NOT going to be supported by the neck, as movies portray. The neck, if there even is one left, depending on the method of decapitation, would just be a limp flap of meat. It would NOT retain the ability to support the head. Even if there is a stiff portion of the spinal cord attached to the base of the skull, the head still would not sit up straight. It would topple over like an upside-down bowling pin. What the effects guys need to do is dispense with the neck altogether and just have the jaw rest directly on the table, pike, what have you. They do it when they show just skulls on a table or piled up, so why not to the same with a freshly severed head?

And before anyone posts about "You must have a lot of time on your hands to think about this nonsense" think about this: If the guys in Hollywood were doing their jobs right, I would not HAVE to think about this nonsense.

Your sketch (I thought of posting a pic of a real severed head here, but I'll save it for a special occasion)

Mystery of the Universe # 412

2005-10-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

Why can a man spend $70 on a haircut, carefully trim his beard and mustache so it's nice and neat, dedicate substantial time to making sure his sideburns are even, yet somehow never notice that his eyebrows look like those of a 19th century gold prospector, or that he has has a cluster of one inch hairs growing out of his ears? No wonder there are so many single women when this is what they get to choose from. C'mon, XY-er's, get it together!

Just the sketch...for now

2005-10-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

Movie Going Morons Make News...again

2005-10-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

For the umpteenth time in recent years, I saw a little item on the news about how much it costs to go to the movies and they ALWAYS do some street interview with some moron who has a complaint that goes something like

"The movie admission is $12.50, $25.00 if you have a date, so by the time you pay for parking, popcorn, and a coke, you've paid close to $50 to see a 90 movie that probably sucks."

Who are these shitheads who can't seem to figure out how to NOT pay $50 to see a frickin' movie? What is the problem here? First off, where, other than MAYBE New York City, does it cost $12.50 to see a first run movie? Hey assholes, ever hear of *matinee price*? People ALWAYS exaggerate this number. Secondly, no one ever said you HAD to buy popcorn and snacks at the concession stand. I know this is how the theater makes its money to pay employees and overhead, so if that's what you want to support, fine, just don't complain about the prices. If not, for god's sake, eat before you go or sneak food in like normal people do. That's why it's called a *concession stand*, because you CONCEED to patronize it, but you DON'T HAVE TO. Thirdly, read some reviews about the movie you are thinking of seeing before you go. If the movie is getting thumbs down by most critics, than caveat emptor, dude. In the end, in order to lodge what is a legitimate complaint about the cost of the movie-going experience, these people exaggerate so greatly that it makes them look like obtuse oafs who can't seem to manage their spending.

Your sketch:

Day Off

2005-10-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Day off, no drawing or writing today. Wife's orders.

Swperstar

2005-10-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ha, ha! If you came here for a sketch you are S.O.L.! All you get is this dorky little picture of my wife and me with friends Dan, Yuka, and Jeff in a cheesy little photo booth in Japan. I remember it was like 110 degrees F in there!

I'll post a sketch soon.

Uncanny X-Mentos...the freshmaker

2005-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well, my editor at Marvel was pleased with my work on X-Men Unlimited and asked me to pitch him some more story ideas. Right on for me. Writing is the direction I want to go, and save the drawing jobs for special projects.

Speaking of drawing, our studio just knocked out eight fully penciled, inked, and lettered pages in a weekend. The art is done in a 1940's style for a special online project. We are still patting ourselves on the back for that one.

Sketch!

News Flash! Idiot Makes My Day!

2005-10-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in the coffee shop the other day and the daily trivia question is: "What is the name of the author who wrote a satire on the bombing of Dresden?"
The answer is, of course, Kurt Vonnegut (Slaughterhouse 5).

As I'm drinking my coffee, I overhear this priceless conversation:

Customer: "Oh, I don't know the answer to that one."

Cashier: "It's Kurt Vonnegut. I had a lady get it right earlier only because she said that she caught part of the Slaughterhouse 5 movie on TV the other night."

Customer: "Oh, well that's probably why I didn't know the answer. I hardly watch TV, maybe once a week at most. I like to read."

Fucking priceless. I love idiots.

The Man With No Sleep

2005-10-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

Deadlines again. I guess I'll have them the rest of my life. Oh, go out and buy X-Men Unlimited #11 with my story, thanks.

Hey look, man with his finger bitten off.

Ha, ha!

United Snakes of America

2005-10-06T00:31:00.000-07:00

Whatever....Okay, I got the Luna Moth pin-up done, now back to Bite Club and another quick turn-around project our studio is doing.

X-Men Unlimited issue # 11 that has the X-Men story I wrote is in stores now. Beautiful art by David Aja.

Hey, Susan, I turned on the anonymous post setting! Now your lazy butt can reply to my paltry little postings without having to fill out a profile or other soul-killing online forms. Happy?
;)

Sketchedy-sketch.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

2005-10-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Holy shit! I am drowning, DROWNING in work right now! Worse than last week (or better, I guess). Apologies. I'll still try and do the daily sketch, but not much ranting for awhile.

Here's a lip-licious babe for you boys and girls. Part of my Bite Club trappings

Missing the Gang at the Merc

2005-09-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Work still eating me alive, but I love it. I just received volume 4 of Paranoia Agent and I am dying to watch it, but not until I've gotten caught up. I haven't been in my beloved Mercury Studio in days. I hope those bastards are missing me.

Today's sketches are roughs for the Luna Moth pin-up I'm doing. It's an Avengers/Emma Peel riff, if you couldn't tell.

Gasping for Air

2005-09-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly getting caught up on my work. The past few days I've been penciling pages for Bite Club: Vampire Crimes Unit as well as doing breakdown/page designs from the script, a side commercial illustration, and a Luna Moth pin-up for Dark Horse Comics' The Escapist. I'll post the penciled version of the pin-up here soon.

Little Cleo slept through the night for a second night in a row. For all you parents of infants out there, you know what a triumph that is.

Below are some of the sketches I did for the pencils for my Bite Club pages.

Gimme a Minute

2005-09-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

Still deadline crazy. Lame, I know.

Sketch:

Sorry, deadline...

2005-09-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

Yikes, deadline coming down on me! No time to blog...must.....draw.....

Here's the sketch:

Just the Sketch

2005-09-24T09:06:00.002-07:00

Not much to say today.

Baby Love

2005-09-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

We have little Cleo on a regime that is allowing her to go to sleep right away at bedtime and sleep longer through the night. HOOOORAY! Now she's teething, so we have a whole new adventure in front of us.

Remember when...

...items in your grocery cart were unloaded by the cashier, not you?

...city bus tokens were actual little coins, not slips of paper?

...you could buy whale oil out of vending machines?

And now, the sketch of the day, brought to you by Bounty, the Quicker Picker-Upper:

Paranoid

2005-09-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

The work the city is doing on the street outside my house is my wife's problem today, as I am at the downtown studio. Let her deal with the sound of an armored German Panzer division as it rolls down the street, rattling the house.

I'm into this new anime series called Paranoia Agent . I've watch volumes 1-3 several times and I'm waiting for volume 4 to arrive. Intelligent writing and nice character design, and it also has an opening theme song that permanently attaches itself to your brain.

The sketch of the day is a character I am trying to design for a comic. It's about a girl who finds a pair of magic sneakers hanging from a phone line:

THUMTHUMTHUMTHUMTHUMTHUM

2005-09-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

The city is doing major roadwork to the street right outside of my house. They have every type of industrial Dr. Suess-road-tearing-up-asphalt-chomping-and-street-making-mobile going full force out there. I thought for sure this was going to ruin Cleo's nap time (my 4 month old). Instead, the droning and vibrating of the house seems to lull her to sleep. Small miracles.

The sketch of the day is one of the new Bite Club characters, Det. Betty Lou Yama.
Bang!

Blood at the Bus Stop

2005-09-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

There's this asshole (maybe more of a prick, actually) who rides my bus in the morning. This guy has TWICE stepped in front of me to board the bus when I was clearly at the bus stop first, and it ticks me off something fierce. It's not like it's a crowded bus stop where you can't really tell who was there first. It's just me and him waiting for the bus. Now, it's not so much that my day is ruined because we didn't board the bus in the proper order, what's annoying to me is that it doesn't even seem to occur to this cretin that civilized people acknowledge turn-taking. It's a tenant of our society. To add insult to injury, his favorite seat on the bus (last row, right side) is also mine! So when he cuts me off to get on the bus, he sits in that seat! Arrrggg. I told myself that if he steps in front of me a third time, I will put my arm out and stop him and threaten him with bodily harm. I am NOT a violent person, but it's rude/oblivious shit heels like this that need to have their teeth knocked down their throats once in a while simply for the betterment of society. Even among a collective of monkeys, when one is annoying the others, it gets its ass kicked for the sake of the group. So, the other day, I walk up to the bus stop and he is there first, for a change. My first inclination was to step in front of HIM when the bus arrived and turn and say "Sucks, doesn't it?" or something. But I took the high road, literally. I proceed up the street to the next bus stop, therefore insuring I boarded the bus before him. I got my favorite seat, and watched him as he boarded at the next stop. His eyes went right to me in the good seat. He had no reaction and I didn't expect one. He has no clue that I'm waging this secret war against him and his kind. I'm glad I felt personally vindicated at having bested him. I'd still like to see him swallow his bloody teeth, though, just for investment purposes.

And now, your sketch of the day:

TV or Not TV

2005-09-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

The TV Guide Channel. TV is invented, it becomes a common household item, it spawns a guide about what's scheduled on tv, that guide then eventually becomes it's own channel on cable tv. Talk about coming full circle. The next logical step is The TV Guide Channel Magazine. Question is, will it also prop up Melissa Rivers's Carreer?

And now your sketch of the day...

Doodling is easier...

2005-09-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've decided that since I don't post on here nearly often enough, the least I can do (and probably a better idea) is to post sketches form my sketchbook. I draw in it nearly everyday, so I'll always have something new. We'll see how it goes.

Too Long...

2005-09-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

This is a cover for a book called Chick Flicks and Party Tip: A Guide for a Girls Night In I drew this in Adobe Illustrator in about 6 hours. Fun fun fun.

Goddamn it's been too long since I last posted. I must really be letting the two of you down. I am in the homestretch of completing the drawing of thefirst issue of Bite Club: Vampire Crimes Unit, for Vertigo/DC Comics. It's a five issue series written by Howard Chaykin and David Tischman and is the sequel to 2004's big selling series Bite Club. I'm also drawing a Luna Moth pin up for Dark Horse's Escapist Book as well as developing numerous other pitch projects.

I received the pencils and some of the colored pages for the X-Men Unlimited story I wrote for issue # 11 (below). David Aja is the artist and his stuff is fabulous, reminds me of Karre Andrews's work. That's the New Mutants, Sunspot and Cannonball, hanging out there.

.

There's this young couple I see at the coffee shop every so often that I can't quite figure out and it's really bugging me. I have this need to constantly be figuring people out. The thing about this boyfriend/girlfriend unit is that the girl is so obviously light-years out of this guy's league. He's a 3 and she's a 9. Okay, maybe he's a 4, but she's still a 9. She is an attractive, young, together-looking girl. What is holding this relationship together? I don't think I am being shallow by judging on appearances because we all know that people attract and end up with people in their own "class of appearence". Water always seeps to it's own level. He doesn't appear to be rich, so we can rule out gold digging. He's thin, not an ugly guy, but definitely a nebbish, wears glasses, fairly plain/normal. Oh, and he has blue hair. Not I'm-a-cool-punk-rock- rockstar-or-eccentric-artist type of blue hair. More like I-want-to-do-something-cool-and-alternative-and-I-live-in-Portland-where-it's-safe-to-have-blue-hair-and-makes-me-cool type of blue hair. Just picture a lanky Radar O'Reilly with blue hair and you get the picture. Now, when I see these two, they are always very lovey-dovey. He fawns and dotes on her and she is receptive and kind in turn. I figure he knows he is out of his element, so he's doing all he can to be a nice guy who she'll want to stay with forever and ever. Which is fine. As far as she goes, I'm thinking that this is either her first boyfriend, which means ultimately he's doomed, or she is a former stripper or something and has dated/slept with 86 guys, all of them assholes, and now she's glad to find a nice one. Whatever the case, good luck hot girl and dweeb.

Okay what else is bugging me, let's see ...

Local evening news reports that use the term "deadly" in reports, even when there were no fatalities. I also hate when they do this:

"Up next: A semi truck careens off the Ross Island bridge and plummets 100 feet into the river, and we caught it all on tape!" When a claim like that is made, I want to see the truck fly off the edge of a bridge. But, they DON'T have it all on tape. All they have is footage of the aftermath. Jerks.

Also, let's loose any 'news' stories about how to talk to your kids about how they can deal with tragedies they see on the news, like 9/11, sunami, Hurricane Katrina, etc. Are there enough parents out there there with emotionally troubled kids that it warrants a news story to tell them how to talk to their kids about, well, that life can be violent and random?

Speaking if disasters, our studio is auctioning off art to send relief to the Red Cross to help the people in Louisiana and Mississippi (or where ever Red Cross help is needed).
Check out the details at Hurricane Art at

http://mercurystudio.blogspot.com/

Tin Foil Purse Lining

2005-08-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Remember when the homeless guy with the sign sitting on the off ramp didn't just sit there, but actually made an attempt to wash your windshield? What happened to that work ethic?

I also hate bums who hang out at bus stops when I'm on the bus. The bus pulls over, but the guy isn't actually waiting for the bus, he's just hanging out there with his pals. So the bus has stopped for nothing. This happens all the time on the low-life, meth head Bum Boulevard my bus route is on.

The hipster bead. Where did this come from? I'm not talking about a soul patch or goatee, I'm talking about the skinny little hipster guys in the high water jeans, ironic t-shirt, and a full beard. A full blown Amish, Jim -Morrisson's -Last -Days beard. It's come full circle in my life again: this is the second generation of kids whose popular dress is a style that a kid would've gotten their collective asses kicked when I was in school (the first generation being the early nineties when kids were wearing those Gilligan sailor hats folded down or fly fishing hats).

Hell's Kitchen last night on Fox. My man Michael won.

I wish advertisers would stop using computer animation to make it look like a real life dog is dancing, or an infant is speaking in full sentences. No one is marveling anymore, we know it's just a computer pulling the strings. It's it's creepy, not cute.

Hey people, don't steal the Splenda packets at the coffee shops. That is for you to use for the amount of coffee you bought. That is an understood societal contract civilized people adhere to in our culture. To take more is stealing. And don't try to rationalize it by saying the coffee shop makes up for it in the profit margin of their coffee sales, or some bullshit like that. If you think you can justify stealing Splenda because you are getting back at 'the man', or the coffee is too expensive, then why are you giving them your money in the first place? When you eat at the pancake house, would you think it's okay to put the whole maple syrup container in your bag to take home? No, because you know better. Don't load up on the Splenda.

Blah Blah Blog

2005-07-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's been way too long since my last update. Between having a two month old and deadlines, it is difficult to find the time to eat and sleep, let alone post on the blog.

With that lame excuse aside, I finished the first draft of the X-Men Unlimited story I'm writing for issue # 11. This is my first work for Marvel, and my first paid writing work from the big publishers, so I am especially excited. Wow, in comics, writing sure pays a whole lot better than penciling when you break it down to an hourly rate.

Hey, Madison Avenue! Here are some gags you can go ahead and STOP using in commercials:

-The phony Senate Sub-committee Hearing gag where someone is being grilled by Joe McCarthy for eating Golden Grahams. Or Subway Sandwiches. OR Geico. Or cock.

-The Husband who just wants to watch football on satellite tv on the weekend, but his wife has a list of chores for him instead. He just pulled ANOTHER 60 hour work week so you could live in that big nice house and have satellite tv , so leave him alone for once, bitch.

-That said, we can lose those lazy husbands that ONLY want to watch their satellite tv at the expense of their families.

-Sock puppet pitchmen. There is only one Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

-The split screen technique where you have a sucker using Brand X and a smart consumer using the Sponsored Brand, and the sucker reaches across the split screen threshold and grabs the product from the kitchen of the smart consumer. Ho ho! What a fucking riot. You see, you thought it was just an optical split screen, but the guy reaches across. It blows your mind right? Yeah, they've been blowing my mind with this stupid gag since I was five in '72. To make it worse, there have been more commercials featuring this lame old joke than there have been commercials with straight split screen comparisions.

Mind Junk

2005-06-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

In film, is there some unwritten rule that screenwriters follow that states all mental institutions must be staffed with at least one abusive orderly who is cruel (or at least disrespectful) to the patients? There always seems to be some antagonistic burly ham-headed asshole who torments the patients in his own special way. Worse than him is the un-imaginitive writer who keeps creating this character over and over.

The next time you watch a scene in which people are drinking from disposable coffee cups (the types with lids), tell me if you believe there is actually any type of hot liquid in there. I've seen so many shows where, if you pay attention, it's so obvious that the cups are empty (Ed, The 4400, Law and Order, 24). The actors just tend to swing their arms around, take huge sips, tilt the cup way too far when they drink, etc. Haven't any of these actors ever held or drank a hot cup of coffee before?

You ever throw a penny away? You might be straightening up your desk or doing some vacuuming and come across a single penny. Instead of saving it or going upstairs to put it in your penny jar, you figure it's time better spent to just throw it in the trash. I used to feel somewhat guilty about doing this, until one day I saw a homeless guy notice a penny on the sidewalk and walk right past it. I really hate pennies.

Speaking of pennies, remember those "Need a penny, take one. Spare a penny, leave one" dishes you used to see at convenience stores and coffee counters? Somewhere along the way, those little dishes morphed into tip jars. Probably about the same time jungles morphed into rain forests and egg drop souped morphed into egg flower soup.

Ahh, those metal studded belts that punk rockers used to wear in days of old. They had the belt around the waist and, sometimes, a little one around the wrist. Now, somehow, hipsters and soccer moms (!) have discovered this belt and are wearing them. Ugh.

I wish people would stop throwing the word "racist" around as a means to label any and every type of prejudice. A racist is someone who believes that they are superior to another and judges simply using race as the measurement. An Irish guy who thinks that a Chinese dry cleaner will do a better job on his shirts is a bigot, not a racist. I am also of the mind that we, as a culture, should stop being so quick to use the word "Nazi" to describe anything other than a true Nazi or follower of the Nazi doctrine. I believe that Nazi is probably the single most important word that should NOT be devalued with use.

Crazy Rants

2005-06-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Since becoming a father, I've become even more aware and revolted when I hear about pedophiles and child molesters on the evening news. I still can't help but wonder, however, why in our culture the most common slang term for an object of sexual desire is "baby."

Yesterday was Wednesday. All the crazies come out on Wednesdays. I was surprised by a guy on the bus yesterday who suddenly screamed and the top of his lungs like he was being stabbed, and then he began to spaz out and kept saying "Seattle airport" over and over again. The reason this surprised me so much was because my he never appeared on my weirdo radar scan when I first boarded the bus. He looked like a regular passenger. I figure he must have Turret's syndrome. Due to a stand up comedian's routine 15 years ago, most of the population is under that misconception the Turret's is a disease that makes you uncontrollably shout obscenities, but that's only one possible symptom. With Turret's, the uncontrollable "twitch" can manifest itself in any number of ways and even disguised and controlled.

Hey "urban" kids at the bus stop, stop grabbing your crotch as if it were as acceptable as scratching your nose. You look like a horny moron with crabs. And honking your car horn when you see a pretty girl? Do you REALLY think that will score you points? And while we're at it, all you neo punks, stop acting pissed off when people stare at you. You want people not to stare? Then shave off that two foot high green mohawk, shithooks.

We have airtunes in our studio, which allows us to beam music from our laptops to the stereo in the middle of the room. We take turns playing music, but we all seem to try and play something that everyone *might* want to hear, and nothing that might be embarrassing or unwanted (like the Bay City Rollers). But I am going to breach that unspoken etiquette and playwhatever the Hell I feel like playing when it's my turn. I think it's time for a little "Chim Chiminy" today...

Once Bitten

2005-05-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

I just received the script for Bite Club: Vampire Crimes Unit, the follow up to Bite Club, the six issue mini-series published by DC/Vertigo last year. Man, the direction this new mini is taking is very, very cool. I can't wait to start drawing it. I have the chance to create a whole new cast of characters as well as revamp (vamp, get it?!) some old ones. You can see the re-design of Fortine below on the May 05 post. There will be more to come. The story is created and written by Howard Chaykin and David Tischman and drawn by me. I'll be turning the art pages in in a digital format so I'll finally be able to do some things to my art that I didn't get to on the previous Bite Club.

The News in Baby: Little Cleo, at three weeks old, has been sleeping upwards of 5 and a half hours at night at a stretch. Yay! More uninterrupted sleep for wife and me. See link at left.

The News in Parker; My man Jeff Parker is all over the place at newsarama.com, so go check out wassup in Parkerville. Also, my other man, Drew "Baby Carrot" Johnson has a blog going on at cursethatmonkey.blogspot.com. Go see.

Commies in Space

2005-05-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

Here is the cover of a pitch for a graphic novel I came up with in which JFK wasn't assassinated and the Russians are winning the space race. It also features Chicago mob boss Sam Giancanna. Marilyn is still dead, though.

Crummy Captains

2005-05-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

Unused girl design for comic

Let's keel haul any ship captain in the movies who, when his ship is in immanent danger, barks out some stupid order like "Get us outta here!" These are usually sci-fi movies. Han Solo shouting to Chewie, his only crewmember, is one thing, but I would still imagine that the captain of a large ship would give a very specific course change, not something to be left up to the helmsman. Better yet, let's keel haul the screenwriter.

I hate this type of lazy writing where the writer isn't really thinking about what the character would say, but is just sub-consiously borrowing dialog that other characters in other movies have said.

That also goes for the police detective who saunters up onto the crime scene and asks the officer on scene "Whatta we got?" Hack is what we got. And let's lose those obligatory Hawaiian shirts worn by the tech geeks on space stations and deep sea labs. And stop writing kids who address adult men with a "Hey, mister," When was the last time, if ever, you heard a kid say that? Or refer to the old man's house in the neighborhood as "Old man (fill-in-the-blank)'s place?" Fuck that unoriginal spew. And fuck those *quirky* charatcers who are all into Elvis and wear the sideburns and sunglasses and say "Thankyouverymuch" a lot. Hardy fuckin har, ooooooh, what a crazy character.

To be continued.

Cleo Lanai Hahn

2005-05-11T13:18:00.002-07:00

My daughter was born May 2, 2005, my first child. This pic was taken when she was 2 days old. Only 10 days later and she looks so different now.

Fortine's Head

2005-05-05T14:04:00.001-07:00

Test head. Enjoy.

Drop that cashew, asshole.

2005-04-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Hey! All of you grazers in the supermarkets! Knock it off! Why do you think it’s okay to pop a cherry into your mouth when in the produce department, or eat some dates out of the bulk food section without paying for it? Just because it ain’t wrapped doesn’t mean it’s free, assholes.

I’m sure you can rationalize it with “It’s so small, the store will never miss it.” You know what? The store won’t miss a can of Sprite either, but I don’t see you peeling one out of a six-pack to enjoy right there in the isle. So don’t do it with the produce.

“The store expects people to graze, so they compensate for it in their pricing.” I’m sure all the store’s employees will gladly support that mentality. After all, loss of profit and a decaying bottom line due to pilferage has never EVER been used as an excuse to deny a hard working cashier a 15 cent an hour raise, right?

I hope you choke on it next time.

Sin City...home of spoogey blood.

2005-04-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I attended the Dark Horse premiere of Sin City. Though the old time movie house lacked the proper sound system to adequately and properly show a modern movie, it gave all the more reason to see this movie again in the theaters when it’s released nationally. I really enjoyed this movie, in part because it is the truest comicbook to film adaptation I’ve ever seen, and it was the best kind of eye candy.

I know I’ve enjoyed a movie when the following day I am still thinking about it and replaying little pieces of scenes in my head. Sin City is one of those movies where I walk out of the theater and can honestly say that I’m glad that they can make movies like this.

Some problems I had with the film were that some of Miller’s hard boiled dialog came across as corny. I also don’t the think the white Elmer’s Glue style blood worked at all. I know it was supposed to look like it does in the comic, but it didn’t work in live action. In most scenes where it was used, it diluted the horrific nature of what was happening (say an arm being blown off) and just made me think of the Predator being shot by Danny Glover. The film also had that sense of self-awareness, like the Kill Bill movies. What I mean by that is that the film makers knew how cool their film was going to be, so they really ratcheted up the slowmotion walking I’m-the-ubercool-bad-ass-character shots. I also didn’t understand why there was the Pulp Fiction style disjointed time line in the story telling. The my biggest criticism, however, is that of the city itself. The movie is called Sin City. I think the city itself should’ve been a bigger character in the story. All we ever see of it is brick walls and its skyline as cars race away from it. The voiceovers talk about some of its politics, but I think the city should’ve somehow been brought more into the forefront, instead of just being a place whose badness is defined ONLY by these handful of seedy characters we are introduced to.

I thought that Mickey Rourke’s portrayal of Marv was spot on and that his segment (The Hard Goodbye) was the best in the film. I am also glad the because it is true to the source material, the film didn’t have the need to bring anyone up to speed, like explain why supporting characters have funky facial tattoos or artificial eyes. And the musical score was excellent.

All in all, I recommend this movie to those who enjoy noir and pulp entertainment, people who liked Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and fans of the Predator movies.

I love Portland, but...

2005-03-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

Portland, Oregon is a great city and I'm glad I live here, but who wants to hear about that? Screw that, there's a lot of stuff that drives me bananas or just defies explanation, and that's what I want to write about.

-Drivers in this town don't seem to understand that the solid double yellow lines painted on the streets mean you are not supposed to drive over them, whether for passing or turning. The neighborhood surface streets of Portland are narrow and often congested, and more often than not, traffic is backed up several car lengths and into an intersection because some shithead is waiting to make a left turn into the Walgreen's parking lot over the double yellow lines. C'mon people! Learn the rules! If the line is dashed or there is a break in the solid double yellow, you can pass over or turn. If it's a solid double yellow line, keep driving.

-You ever noticed that when you walk into a hospital or doctor's office, there's that little sign that says something like "Please turn cellular phones off when on the premises"? You know what that really means? It means "Turn your fucking phones off and don't turn them back on until you leave, assholes." Cellular phones can cause disruption of the operation of some types of sensitive medical diagnostic equipment. Do you want to have to do YOUR catscan twice because some general contractor in the waiting area is yammering away on his Nokia? Not to mention it is annoying in general. I'm sitting there tired, sick, and afraid of what the doc is going to stick inside of me, and some white trash gansta teenager is calling his friends to find out such vital information as where day at, and hoozall dere.

-I've noticed more woman in Portland with missing arms than any other city I've been in. And I'm just not talking about the occasional heroin junkie. I'm talking of an assortment of professional women and college aged girls. My pal Jeff thinks there must be some vast underground secret wheat harvesting industry that all women are forced to work at at some point in their lives. Hence the threshers claim an arm every so often. I think it's the blackmarket female arm dinner club at work.

-This town has a basic socioeconomic problem: Too many hipsters, not enough cool jobs FOR hipsters. There is only a small amount of design jobs and club DJ positions open for hipsters to occupy. The net result is you get a lot of piss poor service from hipsters working the less desirable jobs. On far too many occasions, I've been in the videostore, coffeeshop, or record store and gotten the "I'm way too cool to give you good service" attitude from the horn-rimmed glasses wearing college radio kid behind the counter. I certainly appreciate the people who do those jobs and do them well, but when I walk up to the counter to place my coffee order, and you're the cashier, say hello or SOMETHING. Don't just stand there and stare at me, waiting for me to speak first. That's YOUR job, not mine. I will stand there as long as it takes until the counterperson says something. I'm a freelancer, I have all day.

2005-03-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

Happy now?

Amazing: the word of choice for people with no imagination

2005-03-14T12:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the deal: I don't hate the word *amazing*, I hate its overuse. Amazing (and amazed) is an insidious word that has worked its way into the American psyche. It isn't insidious for what it means, but for the monopoly it holds over words like terrific, spectacular, glorious, et cetera.

Now, you might not have noticed it, but the next time you watch TV or listen to a conversation, note how many times you hear *amazing* or *amazed*. It will be the word used more often than not to describe anything fantastic, incredible, or delicious. I don't object to the use of the word, even if it's wasted ("These paperclips are amazing."), but I grit my teeth in frustration when most EVERYONE uses *amazing* to the exclusion of most ALL OTHER SYNONYMOUS WORDS. It's especially annoying to see it popping up in a lot of TV ads. I know writing ad copy isn't exactly a brain trust of a job, but you'd think someone out there would have a thesaurus. And that's what makes it insidious. People just use it without thinking and they use it all the time.

Don't believe me? Try the David Hahn Astonishing *Amazing* Challenge: the next time you are with a buddy and watching TV (reality TV works best) or at an average party, tell your friend that for the next 30 minutes, you will give him (or her) a quarter for every time someone uses ANY word that is roughly synonymous with *amazing*, like astounding, miraculous...shit, even *great*. In exchange, your pal must give you a quarter for everytime someone uses amazing or amazed. It is a bet that will be hard for your chump to pass up, after all, the odds are in his favor: he gets paid for spotting words out of a category of dozens, while you only get to spot one. I liken it to taking a road trip out west, where your friend pays you for every Rhode Island license plate you see, and you pay him for all other states in the union. But trust me, you will be the richer. Trust me. You will be quite surprised.

*Amazing* is the word of choice for people too limited to be bothered to think of what they are saying. At the very least, if you are going to have a stock word that you keep on the top of your head to use to describe all things wondrous, then at least come up with your own word that everyone isn't using. My friend Drew uses *stupefying* to describe a lot of stuff, and I'm glad for it.

So, if you go away from this post thinking that I'm some nut, picking one word out and berating its use, I'm not. I'm berating a word that is being thrown at me (and thrown at everyone else) from all different directions, all the time. Snap out of it. Please.

What a pain in the ass this blog set-up was...

2005-03-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

I hate to have my first post be something so negative, but finding an address that blogger would accept was horrific. Every damn address I tried to use was rejected as 'not available'. You mean to tell me that "fujivondoom" and "smacadoodlecomic" are already in use? I will have to look into that. Needless to say "Bloggersucks" was also already in use as well.

As I pulled out my eyebrow hair in aggravation trying to come up with an address, I was thinking of my frustrations in dealing with automated systems when paying bills. Hence the address 'your balance is' This whole blog naming ordeal sapped out any amount of cleverness I thought I had when I started.

I am now going to attempt to link this blog to my website. Then kill some panzerfaust-carrying German infantry in Call of Duty (PS2).

Wish me luck on both.